TTC, BD, CD, AF, DH...What's it all about anyway?!

So, here we are in August. August 3rd to be exact. It's been a difficult summer to say the least. I had a procedure on May 29th... a hysterosalpingogram. This was supposed to be something to help Tom and I in our journey to conceiving our first child. I didn't mention that before?!?! Yes, we have been actively trying to conceive for over 6 months (really 6 years) we just didn't see a Dr. until February. So, back to hyster...HSG for short. This was an extremely painful procedure. Don't let anyone tell you differently! Afterwards, as I am recuperating at home, I am doubled over in pain with a 103 degree fever. I call my dr and he says to get straight to the ER. To make a long story short, we discovered three things at this ER visit:
1. I have a blockage in my left Fallopian Tube and a tilted uterus.
2. I had pneumonia in my left lung
3. The dye from the HSG somehow damaged my gall bladder.

So, I had my gall bladder removed after many tests on June 26th. Not a fun thing. I was out of work for 7 weeks. Meanwhile, while I am recovering from GB removal surgery, my OBGYN wants to do an endometrial biopsy, since I haven't stopped bleeding since the middle of May. Not fun and very messy (the bleeding not the procedure). Although, the procedure was no picnic, either! The results from that come back and I have a polyp in my left FT (fallopian tube). So we set up surgery to get that removed, have a DNC, and try this whole baby making thing all over again. Then two days before my surgery, I get a call from obgyn and I have a bladder infection and my blood sugar is over 200. Surgery cancelled. No ETA on that, and that brings us to today! I am still bleeding heavily. My BS is still over 200 even with a new medication. I feel like I am never going to be able to have a baby. I am frustrated. I am tired. And I want to sleep all the time. However, missing 7 weeks of work has given me much to do and think about for the next while!

I want to be more diligent in chronicling my experiences of TTC. I just don't know how consistent I will be. But, here's hoping. I have started charting my BBT (basal body temp), though if I am not ovulating it will do no good. I bought the book "What to Expect Before You're Expecting". I was excited to read it and see if there was any good information that I didn't already have. It did give me good advice as to supplements, foods, etc that I should be ingesting and what I shouldn't be ingesting. Oh, and let's add to this mix the fact that I am diabetic!!!

If I can have a baby, then anyone should be able to have a baby. I know it's a useless waste of my time to wonder why there are thousands of women out there in the world who do not want the baby or babies they have, yet there are so many thousands of us who would give anything to have the gift of motherhood. It makes me bitter.

My 19 year old niece is having a baby any day. Why does she get the chance to be a mother so young in life. IT'S NOT FAIR!!! I just want to scream that from my rooftop. The funny thing, is that I love her and I am excited for her. But part of me grieves because it's her and not me. Is this wrong? Do I need to be a stronger person? I just don't know. All I know is I am 35 and Tom is 40 and we would make amazing parents given the chance.

God, are you listening?!?!